A Self Portrait...

14 November 2016

Some Days

Are worse than others or so they say, honestly I've had too many bad days to keep track of I look back at the last seven years and I can't see anything good to hold onto, that is of course it is, partly my fault. Call it innocence or ignorance either way what it means is you do something unaware of how bad it is or how much worse it will get.

And you grow tired. For example I meant to put this house on the market but I didn't want to do it until I knew for sure where I was going, but that's not easy simply because as so often happens to all of us life gets in the way of plans and we end up letting it smother us.

I have always partly blamed myself but I've also always remembered the others and as much as I never forgive myself I will never forgive them, at least four of them could have been helpful and chose not, and that was a cruel and calculated choice.

Is it too late? No, not a bit if anything each time I've thought it might be circumstances correct me  In many ways now is the best time but I believe there are better times for full disclosure if I wait a bit, only think of the recent election I watched a video of Donald Trump saying he might have run for president four or eight years ago. He didn't he chose to run in 2016 and that has so many implications for the media who showed a side of themselves no one will forget, and it showed the power of social media and I hesitate to boast but I sure do know a lot about social media. So is now a good or bad time? You work out who has more enemies and more to lose.

Today I'm very upset which makes today a bad time to do anything but tomorrow beckons and hopefully I will feel better, or maybe not. Its hard to feel better when everything around you conspires against it until now its not a choice anymore its my health and if I don't change the climate and the situation I am the one who will suffer.

In one way I write an awful lot about me but from all the reading I've done I've discovered in many ways I'm rather reticent. Always one step removed from it, but not tonight. Tonight I'm tired I want out and I have finally accepted there will be no agreement. I've probably said that before because in truth I've always known it I just never wanted to believe it. I must do it myself and surely I will

I know this post will be read and that's another example. It will be read and denied and lied about but it will be read and that is something else I must and will end and not in Ireland 

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