Its Hard to Explain

But I think I should try if only so that those who write their fictionalized 'personal' accounts can begin to learn.

Feeling sick, but not, its a knot of over fullness that won't go away and won't produce real sickness which might be useful and cure the over fullness for a while.

The tension is in everything, every scratch outside, the barking of the dogs, inquisitiveness of the cats. Don't look its nothing, a mouse, bird, the wind. Don't look.

How many have there been now eight, more? Voyeurs here to satisfy their own obscene curiosity.

At least eight people have walked by this house just to see where I live, share the joke and agree among themselves that she's too weak to do anything and the neighbour conspirator tells her "Its all right".  Right.

I should go to the doctor. Is the doctor trustworthy? In such a small town, you'd be silly to think so.

I used to like to write about this road, my walks, anything that struck me as interesting or curious. Now I don't. I want nothing to do with anything here. I feel no affection or liking for the people or the place, all I know is the harm they've done thinking it was funny, and maybe some so sick they thought I'd share their little joke.

Cameras watching me, people threatening me.

Stress is not something you can pick up and put down at will, its not something to be shaken off like rain on your shoulders. Its more like dandruff the more you shake the more there is and it never goes away.

Its them the dandruff in my life.

I Don't Want Your Absolution

I don’t know what your life has been but I’m white and my life has not been privileged, there are probably billions of white people who don’t understand the sheer ignorance behind the claim of white privilege. In Russia and parts of Europe ordinary people were considered serfs of the aristocracy there to be used and abused at the whim of the ruling class. Marie Antoinette was young and foolish but the quote “Let them eat cake” is her speaking about starving French people regardless of their colour not a white princess talking about people of colour in some far off land. It took two world wars and well into the twentieth century before white people could say they were even approaching equality in their own countries.

The killing of Michael Brown in Ferguson Missouri sparked some of the biggest riots for years. Michael Brown was walking along the road, not on the pavement, when a policeman in a patrol car asked him to get onto the pavement because by walking down the road he was causing a traffic build up and the potential for accident. Michael Brown didn’t like being told to walk on the pavement so he attacked the policeman in his car, there is evidence to support this, and tried to get the policeman’s gun away from him. There was a fight which continued out of the car the policeman shot Michael Brown a number of times and Michael Brown died.

In the first rush of shock and anger people exploded onto the streets and it was an explosion there appears to have been an initial reaction of rage which is understandable when a young man dies at the hands of the police but it didn’t stop it went on for weeks shops were looted buildings badly damaged, small businesses many owned by black people were destroyed, and all the while everyone knew that Michael Brown was a thug and a bully there is video evidence of him beating people up and robbing a local store. Michael Brown had considerable form but none of it was allowed to get in the way of righteous grievance.

So why did the riots happen because Michael Brown was black or because the policeman who shot him was white?

Errol Garner was also black he sold cigarettes singly and apparently illegally in New York, he was apprehended by police, put in a choke hold which is against police rules, and died. Its my opinion that the policeman who killed Errol Garner should be facing manslaughter charges he’s not, there were some protests about the killing but not many and most were not violent. I believe that’s at least partially because of the huge riots over Michael Brown.

I don’t know about white privilege ordinary white people don’t grow up aware of privilege mostly they grow up aware of what they and their friends regardless of colour don’t have and what they won’t get because their families and friends can’t afford it and no they don’t want black neighbours so they can take comfort in looking down on them either for being black or for being worse off. A neighbour is a neighbour not a competitor.

On another continent three young girls run off to join Islamic jihadists fighting in Syria. The girls are going into real danger what do we think will happen will they be treated with kindness and respect or is it more likely they will be passed from one man to another, and what happens when they get home will they be welcomed back into their family and community or is it more likely they will find their own families and communities want nothing to do with them? Its scary for girls and race has nothing to do with it.

I have spent the last five years in an area where my accent singles me out, oh there are others here but as far as I can tell they’ve all done their penance at the local RCC church. I had to listen to one a neighbour tell me how wonderful the Irish were for forgiving her for all the horrible things the English had done to them. I stared.

For years I wanted to move to Ireland of course being me I left it to the last minute but also being me I got here and most unlike me I was slowly disillusioned. I know about racism and colour is just the most obvious outward sign of it.

We talk a lot of well meaning tat about race and we do it by dumping any bit of history that disproves or confounds what we insist is history. I’m not sure racism has anything to do with colour anymore perhaps it never did, slavery certainly wasn’t a black only market, maybe racism was always an excuse for class segregation and maybe its that we need to look at rather than colour.

Not light years away from the subject I’m an Islamophobe because I think Islam represents real danger to women but its not politically acceptable to say that so the word Islamophobe has been invented and the establishment have decreed that being Islamophobe is racist.

I disagree I think being Islamic is being anti female its no good telling me there are enlightened Muslims I know that I also know there are billions of people who believe in the Koran and Sharia and neither are acceptable

So

I wanted to write a post about whatsisname but I couldn't decide the right way to go. I'm concerned he is sick, not with the illness he wants me to believe he has but with a nevertheless serious condition. It affects what and how I write, how could it not. It means for eg that I'm unlikely, unless goaded, to write anything at all derogatory or potentially inflammatory. It means I'm worried about him although why on earth I should be is beyond me to fathom.

Anyway its been a rough week I'm very stressed and very angry I will move within the next few months and then if agreement has not been reached the shit will hit the fan and I'm not looking forward to it. I know its silly of me and I'm going to do it its just me being me.

It requires a great deal of self control not to give John a few highly coloured facts I'm not sure given enough provocation like seeing them that I won't do it. I very well might.

I read somewhere about a new American Council of Witches well why not it won't be the first such council and I'm not sure it would mean anything or get close to a decent membership but if half a dozen or more people get together and decide on that name for their group why, provided its not already taken shouldn't they use it.

Its easy to think America has taken over European Paganism which is odd since, stating the obvious, they are not European and American Pagan roots are not European. Oh you can go back to the Salem Witch Trials but that's as far back as it does go whereas European Paganism goes back a thousand years or more.

What bothers me is not the nationality of individuals or individual relationships with Paganism its the sneaking thought I have that some Americans may be losing a very important part of their own Pagan history in their love affair with the European or in cases Asian. OK there are similarities and connections but American Paganism is close to the marvelous pyramids and temples of the Mayan than it is to Egyptian pyramids and what a connection to lose! How could they stand it.

Stressing affects everything we do, everything we write or even think about writing worse it affects whether we want to write. I want to write but increasingly I'm finding that instead of exploring new ideas I'm concentrating on this never ending anguish. I must deal with it its bad for me.

Mental Health Issues

I have no idea what that means. Is it hacking, illegal photography, stalking, home invasion, death threats, all proven and all still active particularly camera/s, death threats and home invasions.

There is an effect but far from being an internal mental issue its manifestation is physical in what I do, what I concentrate on and what concerns me.

I don't remember the last stress free day.

We go to court.

Go to Town day

So I had to go to town today weather wise it was a good day for it chilly enough to walk to keep warm, bright enough to enjoy it. I met a proper Lassie type collie and worried about her. She was on this road but I don't remember seeing her. I'm probably being over anxious the Irish do have this nasty habit of letting dogs roam the streets and frankly even the dogs in the street know that's dangerous for everyone. Realistically I doubt she was lost I've not met most of the dogs here she was probably just taking a stroll.

I hate going into town not because of the walk I still enjoy walking but to be honest I'm out of the habit of it now. I need to get back into the swing of walking I miss it so much. The reason I've virtually stopped walking is because it means leaving the house unattended and that worries me so much I hardly think of anything else all the way there and back.  OK I know I've taken some steps to make sure anyone who enters my house is recognised but identification is only one half of the problem. The other half is the invasion and that's what I can't recover from. Stalkers and my home invaded they're not shocks you recover from easily.

I did a little shopping mostly cat food but it was still heavy and as I walked along it got a lot heavier and all the while I was worried about my worthless, useless house. No I didn't enjoy the trip to town not a bit.

Found ye

I know I worked it out years ago, or, how long is it two years ish? Probably. I know it was a very bad time for all concerned. I do know and apart from a little bewilderment I mean why? I understood.

Aaand I know I'm not that much into examining things. I always understood I was not supposed to know who people are. most of the time I didn't care too much I still don't why should I be fussed its not one head on a plate I want its the entire buffet with dangly bits attached so I can chop em off with a blunt razor. No one said it had to be quick.

By the way I know Vincent is one just as I know there are two Eamonn, they're not new but they are very bad actors besides Eamonn 2 was bound to be a suspect he has form.

Phil appears to be up to something there are times when he sounds positively gleeful.

About eight or so have found my home, well they would wouldn't they they were given directions and that's what's done it. Even the one or two 'friendly' ones kept the dirty little secrets of the others proving they are no more to be trusted than the worst of them.

Cold is Best

I'm so angry I could curse some of them right now but what satisfaction would that be? None is the answer just as the little trick someone played meant nothing.

Their problem is not that I think they can't its that I know they can, what they do often angers me but it never surprises me.

But then again they're right I've let this nasty, spiteful little charade go on for too long. 

Getting Very Angry

You're going to have to do better than the word of an accomplice, a sock or both. I want it fixed right now.  If there is one thing you know that really gets my back up its criminal treatment from criminals

My Own - The Crone from Elsewhere

Do you know its possible to look a a house and know in your bones that from both ends it would be impossible to enjoy living there.

If its too small its a non starter you have to be able to breath and stretch and meander and dream. If on the other hand its too big its impossible because you would be too busy cleaning, scrubbing, polishing to have time to breath and stretch and meander and dream.

I used to clean on a good day I still clean some stuff but not much. Its reached the stage where every house I look at is partially judged on how easy would it be to clean? I’m out of the habit do you see and I’m not sure I can get it back. I’m almost certain I would pay a cleaner just so I know someone would do it if I didn't and of course a sure fire way to do your own cleaning is to employ a cleaner!

Windows are different I never met a window you didn't have to climb to clean. Its never been a problem wherever I’ve lived window cleaners have been plentiful, until I moved here and as far as I know the breed simply does not live in Ireland they probably escaped to somewhere civilised just as I in all my sincerely and bitterly regretted innocence was moving in.

Everyone

Has them I know that, bad days or in my case worse than the other bad days, there is a feeling of apprehension, not fear exactly or if it is its an unknown, unquantifiable anxiety.

Fear is relatively easy to deal with you get irritated with it make your dislike known and change the subject or if necessary the person.

Its the invisible internal apprehension that is much harder even to get a grip of and so far impossible to move away from.

There is never a day when I don’t feel trapped, never a moment when I’m not worried about cameras, neighbours and death threats, and some days are worse than others.

Its easy to tell yourself the death threats are silly they are meaningless just yet another way of expressing dislike, but in three years of abuse all I’ve ever threatened anyone with is the truth and a walking stick. Its not in me to make cowardly threats of murder.

Some days are worse than others. I rarely mention my family but they are becoming impatient they say I’ve plenty of evidence I must use it and stop this.

But would it stop or would there be a period of escalation before it actually ended and could I cope with more harassment?

No one should wake and before all else worry about how or where to dress. No one should ask a very reasonable, in the circumstances, question and as a reply see a wreath. I don’t need that and I know I’ve got to end it.

Some days are worse than others.