Terry Wogan Born 03/08/1938 - Died 31/01/2016 RIP

I should say Terry Wogan followed and then eclipsed Eamonn Andrews that's the connection and its visible in some of the stuff, and really its no better than stuff, I've read this morning.

Terry Wogan followed Eamonn Andrews only in the sense they were both Irish, both tv personalities and very, very successful.

I'm proud to say I was never, ever and would never in a million years be a fan of or even like Eamonn Andrews I didn't like anything about him, from his fake smile, to his fake friendliness, to his mediocre boxing, to whatever it was with the book. To me Eamonn Andrews epitomized Oirish Irish and for as far back as I can remember I disliked him intensely.

I wasn't a huge fan of Wogan but I didn't despise him or hold him in contempt He was Irish, and proud of that. He had fun in his work and while his smile often shimmered as though he was having a laugh at English expense it always seemed genuine and ready to share with anyone.

I don't know if Wogan ever lived in Kilburn I know no one in my family did,  nor did our Irish friends and relatives. We lived in Islington, East London, the counties and Scotland and unlike popular Oirish legend that's where most of the Irish in England lived and still live.

Wogan appears to have liked England, well after the bogs, the rain and the Irish in Ireland that's hardly surprising. He almost certainly had a home in Ireland but it maybe that his friends were in England and he had the honesty and the grace to acknowledge and enjoy that.

Wogan was not a lone Irish voice in England. Irish people are all over English TV and radio. You'll wait a long time before you'll hear or see an English television presenter or news reader on Irish TV or radio.

I actually find it hard to have a good word to say about the Irish, my the Irish in Ireland did a job...

RIP Terry Wogan you deserve better than this but I'm not up to fawning lies today or any day. I live in anger.

I Like Blogging

Even after six years and a hell of a lot of abuse I do still enjoy writing posts and reading other blogs, and I do read them. I probably follow a couple of hundred and whilst I don’t read them all every day I read several especially if the whole post is in the email.

I don’t think I’ve ever stopped following a blog and I can’t imagine that I would. Its not the sort of thing I would do. I might be a difficult person and I may not agree with every subject but reaching out sharing opinions and ideas is what to me blogging is about

I guess we all follow blogs for several reasons among mine are that I enjoy reading, I like to read different opinions and I do credit many with being more knowledgeable on subjects than I am which is not exactly hard in any case.

I follow several witchcraft blogs but I’m afraid as far as I’m concerned many of them have lost credibility ,many are Wiccan which to me is like half a loaf, but whichever path they follow they’re all too commercialised and most seem very Americanized. I find that irritating and boring. Some I don’t trust at all but I know who they are and how easy it would be to deal with them.

Of course being me I follow several political blogs I’ve gone off most on the left of politics they’re usually the politically correct ones and they’re always full of their own self importance and censorship. It gets wearing after a while particularly when you realise their interest is self interest.

My favourite blogs are about nature, animals and the universe. I love those who doesn’t like to see and learn about animals, flowers, landscapes and our fantastic and intriguing stars.

The hardest blogs are the ones about child abuse and they are the ones I read the most. I don’t like them much but that’s because the blog owners go to a lot of effort to get their facts right and those facts are always about children who have been hurt and who hurt them.

Within what you might call the child abuse section there are a few that seem more obsessed with their own private and not so private vendettas real or fake I think those vendettas threaten the credibility of campaigners against child abuse and to me that is selfish and counter productive.

Some blogs I read because I know the writer isn’t who he/she says and what they write is to say the least untrue. I read those regularly to keep an eye on what they’re up to and to catch their mistakes, and sadly it has to be said I do regard every blog with a degree of suspicion, just this morning I’ve read two I wouldn’t trust out of my sight and that’s without even starting on the Zionist ones. If they tell the truth on a subject its the only thing they tell the truth about.

There it is the many and varied reasons I have for blogging, reading and even disliking blogs

It just occurred to me that I don’t follow any art blogs I think its for the same reason I would never stop following a blog. Painting is more personal than writing and whilst I feel I can disagree with a written subject without offence, and with indifference if the writer is offended, because the subject is separate from the person. I don’t think that’s true of painting so I doubt its possible to critique or disagree with paintings without hurting the artist. Aren’t they the lucky ones…

IQ

Umm, its a long, long time since I had an IQ test from what I remember its not your usual reading, riting and rithmetic. Its more kindof squiggle, dash and see if that fits and from that you can see that if I took an IQ test today it would probably be around minus something serious.

I don’t know from IQ tests. I’m not sure how valid or important they are and nor am I at all sure that they can be applied to people who may not have had the luxury of even the most basic education.

In theory of course its possible but in practice when you’re dealing with the poorest people on the planet, those whose every waking thought has to be of where the next meal is coming from is it really fair to expect them to approach an IQ test with anything like the same, experiences, knowledge, enthusiasm or even trepidation as people from more secure, better educated and more structured countries?

I’m not sure it is, what I know is I don’t like the idea of it. In the first place an IQ test as far as I know is pretty much a western construct and whichever way you look at that you better also look at it as European in origin.

In countries like India, every bit as intelligent as the west, there are whole levels even an entire bottom level of people who are not only not educated, their entire family history will be comprised of people who were not educated because the caste system does not expect or want its bottom rung to better itself. Such people struggle to survive and if you ask me their success at surviving is a pretty good indication of IQ level.

Africa, the whole continent not this or that bit of it, has thousands of miles and even more people who live in the kind of conditions that make theory ridiculous, many may not thrive but against the greatest odds they do survive and that too is an indication of IQ level.

China and Japan could take the glorious European idea of its own IQ level and clean the cats litter tray with it.

And, frankly the whole of South America could care less, some parts are well educated, some are not and a few lucky ones have never seen a European predator, but they have got pyramids and temples going back thousands of years, they need no IQ lessons from Europeans.

I guess what I’m saying is I don’t trust the idea of IQ tests being used to gauge the intelligence levels of entire populations. Of course I could start on a breakdown of the numbers of people tested, their education etc. etc. but that would be playing the European game.

Darren Nick and, maybe, Esther

A stranger who rapes a child and runs away is a dangerous person who must be caught but he/she  is not grooming a child.

All child sexual abuse in the home, schools, church, care homes and clubs is grooming and it maybe the grooming of a child does longer lasting psychological harm than the actual rape. It must be that almost the first thing a groomed child learns is to want to please his/her attacker because the alternative maybe very painful even fatal and the abuse will happen anyway.

The experiences of Darren and Nick were told on Exaro News. Each approached Exaro and explained their abuse to the reporters who sent them to the police and then published their stories on their website. The same applies to Esther.

Exaro News should have done their own research made a full investigation into the background and previous record of Darren, Nick and Esther, had they done so it would mean that two thorough investigations had taken place and that would give police and public more confidence in what was reported.

I don't know if Exaro did investigate these survivors of child sexual abuse there are allegations that they did not and if that is true it is a serious lapse of professional standards but it does not in itself prevent or infringe the law.

The police are another matter the evidence they need is far more stringent than journalists who for example can accept hearsay and probability. The police can't they do need corroboration , actual evidence that can be put before a court and if as so often happens they don't get it the allegations will not even get as far as criminal charges.

Survivors are vulnerable people those who suffered years of abuse were forcefully trained to please their abusers. 

Its unfair and wrong to call a victim of child sexual abuse a fantasist and its wrong to say Exaro shouldn't have published the allegations. Exaro are the very reason so much attention if now being given to child sexual abuse and its many victims.

In many ways the investigation into an allegation of child sexual abuse is as bad and maybe worse than the abuse itself. Each occasion must b relived and explained to the police and media in detail. It must take survivors on a journey in time and in that journey they must relive pain and they also re experience the original grooming method and the need to avoid punishment by pleasing their abuser.

I may return to this subject but all I want to do for now is highlight something for myself that probably everyone already knows and recognises

I hope Darren, Nick, Esther and all victims of abuse find justice, peace and contentment in their lives

Robert Burns

Its Burns Night and I almost forgot, well OK I do sometimes forget the night but I never forget Burns for whoever could

Again!

I forgot tea, Bewleys tea bags actually. I mean who forgets tea? Its not a disaster I have coffee and it wasn't so long ago that I was fadding on coffee, but I returned to tea and now because of my own forgetfulness I'm back with coffee at least until Monday. True I could go into town tomorrow but there's other stuff to do and it can't be done on Sunday.

I also forgot butter which is a kindofa disaster because I am currently fadding on sandwiches I know I should be eating good, healthy non sugary food, but I'm fadding on sandwiches and coleslaw instead. I think I will have enough butter if I spread it really, really thin.

Its, just, well checking the sugar content of everything ticks me off and I'm still in this gods awful trap and I hate everyone including me and making a sandwich is easier and quicker than peeling vegetables and anyway I'm not in the mood to pretend any kind of housework is either attractive or commendable.

Annnd, another thing! I'm fed up with faddie cats, they will eat this they won't eat that. I have a cupboard full of what those two don't quite fancy.

I'm too old for this shit.

Once Upon a Time

I was strong, rarely hesitated. Why would I I knew what I wanted or what needed to be done and I knew or quickly found out what to do and how.

That was then.

I guess being related to mental illness I had a natural empathy to sufferers I was one of those who would stop in the street, bags full of heavy shopping, to listen to someone high on schizophrenia or on a bipolar low. both schizophrenia and bipolar are cyclical and even now incurable although I understand the medication of today is much better than it used to be for sufferers. The uncontrollable shaking caused by drugs used to control schizophrenia has gone, or it had but the new drugs were expensive and maybe the cash strapped NHS doesn't prescribe it. It should those drugs could save lives and enable living. Empathy toward all sufferers of mental illness and conditions is what started this horrible, unforgivable mess.

Today I'm unhappy, very unhappy and I can't think of a way out of it. When I came to Ireland bringing cats and dogs was easy now I'm told I must get them vaccinated and have certificates or 'passport' to prove their vaccination. What a stupid rip off but when you've said that what can you do? You can buy the vaccinations and the 'passports' that's what, and multiplied by five it will probably cost a couple of thousand euros including transport.

I'm very unhappy. I know I could leave them behind but knowing what I know about the neighbour from hell the psychopath minicab driver, their families and friends how likely am I to do that? Not very is the answer.

So, I'm angry, very angry there was a wedding in Las Vegas I should be there now. I'm not.

Over the last several years I've kind of acclimatized to the non stop criticism and the raucous ever increasing yells of how stupid I am, but there is always something new to learn and the depth of the plagiarism was relatively new. Not word for word, that would be silly although it would also be close to the truth.

The theft is of ideas, mannerisms and opinions.

I don't believe for one second that my opinions or ideas are either rare or fantastic I think they are fairly normal in most people. So, if I say, accept or propose something the chances are it will be pretty much what a lot of people say, accept and propose.

I'm that ordinary and expressing it is both my talent and my downfall. I don't want to sound or write grammatically correctly It wouldn't be true it wouldn't be me and always I do try to express me.

The part of me that took too many people too long to recognise is how determined and tenacious I can be, they think they are the only ones who can play act. It must have come as a shock to them to find I'm actually quite good at it too. I can flirt, banter, play little games as much as anyone. What I can't do is have perverts living next door, a cab driver who thinks recommending a paedophile for work in a house is funny and several including another John, who think gawping at someones home is an entitlement. None of its funny or clever but it is all criminal

Right now and until it is resolved I want retribution. I want to get away from this house where I'm surrounded by voyeurs, home invaders and illegal photographers.

I'm tired and I'm worried and because of that my patience which no one can deny has been outstanding is diminished. No one who has spent years relying on my discretion dares to tell me I'm not trustworthy. It angered me so much. I must deal with that and everyone can see for themselves who has been trustworthy and who has been criminal filth.

Its about reputations I don't care about mine anymore its already shredded but others who think a couple of years makes a difference. Really? When they spent a lifetime building their reputations? No, its not too late in fact it might be just the right time because we all make our own time.

You What!?

When you do something scary or stressful — bungee jumping, public speaking, etc. — do you prefer to be surrounded by friends or by strangers? Why?

No, I wouldn’t dream of speaking publicly unless I was having a nightmare in which case I would probably need a drop of something alcoholic to settle me nerves.

I am by nature a solitary person and always have been. I like solitary hobbies like knitting, sewing, reading and walking.

Some people like company when they go shopping especially for clothes they like feedback. I get irritable.

If I try anything new I prefer to try it alone and that’s from bungee jumping, which would be over my quivering corpse anyway, to trying on clothes. I don’t even like trying clothes on in a shop. I prefer to buy straight away and try it on when I get home.

I don’t like or want too much attention it worries me, to be fair it always has but over the last several years its grown almost out of control.

I’m practically a hermit.

I Made a Mistake

Another one. Or, well, no, I didn't, and no I didn't forget to do something either, well I did but not til later. You can't forget something you didn't know and I didn't know. Didn't have a clue.

This is not unusual there is a long, very long, list of things I don't know, there's an even longer one of things I don't want to know, and yet another even longer list of things I wish I didn't know, but it makes no difference which end is up they get shoved down my throat anyway, like it or not.

Enough! I'm stressing. I went into town, discovered the bad news about what I didn't know, stomped around for a while, bought some fags and went home, forgetting everything else.

Twitching with anger and frustration I am.

The thing is for most of my life I had the wonderful luxury of being able to walk off anger and every other emotion, course now I live in a most uncivilised part of the world I don't walk as much, or at all.

So whenever anything upsets, angers or on increasingly rare occasions thrills me my habit and my instinct is to walk. Until now.

Except when I kind of lose it and stalk off which you will recall is what happened some weeks ago when I couldn't find my own money in my own bag in Tesco and so it was again today when I realised I'd not done something I should have done but for some reason didn't know I had to do.

And now? Now I don't know what I'm going to do but you will have noticed I did at least buy some fags.....

I Wanna

I wanna be sixteen again
I wanna have adventures

I wanna put my hands on his hips
And know they fit there, just there

I wanna feel muscle and flesh
Not bone and skin

I wanna be indifferent to the difference
Between polyester & Levis

I want the fucking zip to work
First time

I want my hair to be long and straight
And in his skin

I want to go and go again
And never stop

Care Work

Is not easy. Its not just playing or cleaning. People can have multiple problems everything from major physical disability to profound learning difficulties and sometimes combinations of both. 

There has recently been a trial in Castlebar concerning care assistants who were charged with abusing some of the people in their charge. I don't want to talk about them or the trial, which by the way is finished, but I do want to explain a little about care work.

I worked in a care home for about five years and I loved it. I loved the residents they were wonderful people and yes I had favourites we all did, but in those five years I never saw a resident ill treated or one resident treated more favourably than another. Its really not that kind of work. 

You get to know the residents and much of the work is housework which has to be done around and in between times with each client.

A lot of the work is fun and very emotionally rewarding its a great pleasure to know you are helping someone you have grown to like and if some are incontinent that is not as difficult as maybe in years gone by it used to be, everything is disposable and we all wear gloves and protective clothing. Not overalls and not all the time its not that kind of environment.

It is very hard work, there's some quite heavy lifting or maneuvering and a lot of bending, Its very tiring, long days, although, except for training I almost always did night work, and it has to be said there are times when regardless of which shift you are on things happen that would try the patience of a saint.

Under no circumstances are staff allowed to get physical or aggressive and yet its sometimes very difficult to maintain the same calm, friendly attitude when a client is behaving very badly. 

My worst experience was with client A a man of about forty with quite severe learning difficulties but no physical disabilities. A could be quite temperamental and bad tempered. He had reasonable speech but he couldn't add or subtract and didn't know the difference between one penny and one pound. 

One evening at about 9 pm A worked himself into a temper I'm not sure why he was angry there doesn't have to be a reason or maybe there is and its a sense of frustration. A dimly understood knowledge that he had little or no choice in his life.

This particular evening A stomped into the dining room and stood, and stood. Apart from putting the other five clients to bed as they each grew tired I virtually stopped all real work and pretended to be busy in the kitchen which was right next door to the dining room, every now and then I would call to A to come and get a cup of tea. He didn't.

Until 3 am when he marched out of the dining room hugged me and went to bed. 

I was on my own with five other severely disabled people who by then had been in bed for about three hours.

All the work had to be done it couldn't be left for the day staff they would be busy and who knew what crisis they might have to deal with.

I didn't get angry but I did get worried. The difference between night and day shift is the number of staff on duty. There was one other carer in another 'house' and that was it had I been attacked I would have been hurt, but I couldn't call for help for a situation that lasted six hours and no one should have forced A to go to bed he was an adult if he wanted to watch tv or stand in the dining room all night that was and should be up to him.

Care workers are all ordinary people and sometimes people do get angry including clients. Its very easy to take a situation personally and to think in terms of like and dislike. As I've said we all had our favourites but that didn't interfere with the work or show in our treatment of clients.

Its hard work and long hours, a twelve hour shift is or was about the average. In those hours moods and frustrations happen, you just have to hang on or call for someone else to help or take over. Maybe sometimes some of us lose control for a second. Most often its not deliberate and surely if someone has been pushed too far a split second reaction with no harm done is understandable.

If however the action is violent and premeditated whoever is responsible for such an act should be instantly dismissed, banned from care work for life and depending on the offence possibly face criminal charges

Don't ever think care work is all cleaning that's kind of the least important bit of it. Care work is about caring for people at the most basic human level whilst maintaining and encouraging clients to learn to behave, to do everyday things and to feel at home in a place that should be but never can be their home. 

Update! 
I should have said that all staff have the means to get help if it should be necessary. While A was going off on one in the dining room I was in the kitchen which true enough is next door to the dining room and also where the emergency phone just happens to be...And I had my own mobile phone in my pocket just in case.

Never lose sight of your own vulnerability but don't turn a home into a prison either.

That's All it Was

A pfft of the wind
The brush of a hair
Sprinkle of sadness
Don't look

There's nothing there
On the edge of madness
The crest of despair
Don't look

There's nothing there
A whisper of breeze
A flutter of wings
Don't look

There's nothing there
A glimpse of a shadow
The howl of a dag
Don't look

There's nothing there
Nothing to see
No name for the past
Don't look

She's not there

Shattered

Splinters of pain

Sparkles of light

On slivers of skin

Emotional rivers

Run dry

Empty vacuum 

Long march
The nght
Tentacles reach
Moonless desolate
Hideous grief

Withered and old
Tired and raw
Rivers of rage
Molten but cold
Hardened steel
Glistening

Frankly some nights you just can't sleep

Image sourse: https://c1.staticflickr.com/1/181/377499363_7bb8d53d6b_b.jpg

Here Comes the New One Same as the Old One

I’ve been trying to write a post about the old and new year over on another blog but I can’t get it right which is unusual for me because usually I don’t give a fuck, call it part defiance part indifference but I usually write what I think as I think it and since I don’t think in dots, commas and apostrophes  consider yourself lucky if you get any.

No, its not grammar its subject, so much, not enough. Oh dear. So, I’m not in the mood but since its going to be 2016 whether I like it or not I might as well note it here.

I really hope 2016 is happier than 2015.