Aftermath

First is the sense of shock its overwhelming you look at the page and think that can't be right, but it is and its staring at you right there on the page of a book by a favourite author. Was it deliberate? I think so I've often said how much I liked his books. Note its now past tense.

Then there's anger white hot molten rage. Who would do such a thing and why? Well I know who to within three and I know how but with no explanation I'm unlikely ever to know why unless it goes to court.. The defence if it does go to court would be interesting and maybe enlightening, and it might well become part of one case or have an entire case to itself from which would unquestionably feed all the crimes relating to it. I sincerely hope the author of the latest, most shocking hurtful jibe is unaware of those crimes.

Being me I write about it I don't care if no one reads it that's not why I write and I don't care if those who do read it think its rubbish I don't write for applause. I write because I enjoy it that's all, and not all the outrageous assaults, the horrible accusations have or could change that. I like to write and I won't stop because some think I can't write. Is that what they think its about, if no one likes it give up?

I disagree, they are all outside and other they can't touch the instinct or feeling or whatever it is that make people want to write. I don't even know if there are many people left with such a feeling I suspect there are a lot of people who want to be writers but is that because they want to write or because they want to be famous authors?

Hmm.

Most people maybe all of them seem to think I can't write is that what's important or is it more important and much more satisfying to put what you think on paper or screen just because you can and you want to see and remember the colours you touched, the people you saw and the emotion you felt because if it is then readers are not a necessity although in a perfect world they would be a bonus.

So at the bottom of it all there's bewilderment who cares even to hate who cares enough to mention an unknown unimportant amateur writing the days? Opinionated, argumentative sometimes difficult but very rarely nasty and even then only when pushed to the limit of patience. Too 'talkative'? Is that it? Its probably part of it and I have to say that part is true but for a very long time now it was and still is part of something much bigger.

I don't know why if my writing is so dire so many people care about it I can't imagine why if its so bad its so often copied and I don't care. I feel really sick that cruelty exists in the world and I have been and still am a victim of some of it. Its not as if I haven't given warnings of why a settlement was necessary and now the first proof and it could get worse, much worse.

I have all the evidence I need and I can't now see any way but to use it. If I'm already a laughing stock what difference is there and it would be nice to get the last laugh.