OK I know I’m feeling low but its the sequence, yesterday one of the usual suspects turned up with his friend and gave me a lift of the remaining half a mile or so to my house. Don’t underestimate how helpful that was I had been out all day and it felt like everything movable was aching.
Today, tonight at 23.50 Herself will have been gone a full week obviously this is a most important anniversary I’ve been hating it all day.
And then, just to put the tin lid on my week this!
Just as I was putting rubbish in the bin a car pulls up. My dear, sweet, courageous Tax was obviously watching events and had sent me not alone in the right direction but armed to the teeth as well! Of course I recognised the visitor immediately. I was so angry! First yesterdays little accidental? meeting and, just as it happened last time, it was quickly followed by what I suppose must be called a cold sales pitch. I was definitely cold. I burned with ice. I was rude! I’m hating that I was rude. He’s not the worst, bet he’s fuming now. I’ve a temper to match anyone and this time quite unexpectedly it escaped from me. I am never rude…..
Surely this is typical response to abusers? They make their victim feel guilty as if its their fault they caused their abuser to commit the crime. Its not like he was rude or did anything other than show off that worthless screen save picture. No matter! I was still recovering from yesterdays bare faced cheek and I let rip.
I hate that I feel guilty but I hate more that I may have attacked one who as far as I can tell is not by any means the worst of them. Why should I feel guilty!!!!? How many people have my address, how many are actively trying to hurt me and why when I lose it with one of them why am I the one feeling guilty cos you can bet your last penny that whatever rage he feels it has nothing to do with his guilt.
This is a very bad time for me don’t rely on my warmheartedness or my good nature it appears to have gone with Herself I don’t know when or if it will return.
Anyway forty Euros is still far too much for a screen print of my house even if I am at the horrible ould door. Last year the price was one hundred Euros which dropped to eighty in minutes. This time I all but told him where he could shove his screen print which probably means the price has shot up…
And yet, and yet there’s a part of me that’s pleased as punch that I did it at last I stood up for myself! I’ve had enough of anyone who dares to think he’s doing me a favour clicking a like, turning up here or wherever I am. Its going to get a lot worse before it gets better your socks better be piss proof because it won’t be rain you’re wading through.
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