Are harder than others. Today has been one of those days. In my life I've made so many mistakes from the silly over or underestimating of people to serious wasting of time and cash, not often on myself more on others. I get some money? Well the dog needed a new hip, someone needed a tooth capped another a trip to Australia, and what's money for if not to help out and those whilst not entirely real mistakes were expensive even foolish anyway they were not the worst. I don't regret them exactly but I do wish I had been a bit slower to rush to assist.
Most of my mistakes no matter how traumatic at the time were unimportant easily dismissed and that's from me with the intensely annoying ability to remember every grimace, they were gifts if you like expressions of trust and affection, not under any circumstances to be confused with cruelty, theft or fraud.
It wasn't until I got to Ireland that I experienced the real cruelty of people. The pain and shock of that is something I face everyday. I see it everywhere and I'm so tired of the everlasting pain of it. I never experienced blatant, aggressive dislike, never knew that people could be so easily cruel for fun.
I ask myself now where are they, all the people who owe me in kindness, time and money, where indeed. I never thought I would feel so isolated, and to be honest until I came here I never was even when I finally lived alone friends were always within easy reach and family wasn't far away.
All that is still true but it doesn't feel true. I tell myself I should go to the doctor get some happy pills but that would be to create an illusion and I don't like the idea of that, it wouldn't be real it would be camouflage and one way and another I've had enough camouflage to last what's left of my lifetime.
Oh, its nothing today has been a bad day its a treadmill and I can't get off. Funny thing I know what I could do, what I should have done long ago, maybe all this anxiety is a sign I'm getting close to dealing with it. Always been the way with me with anything personal. Push it away, push it away until I've pushed myself into a corner.
I've three times told people off and that's not like me, except it is its the cornered me I think when I do get away I will want to be away from family too. Its that close and that bad.
Most of my mistakes no matter how traumatic at the time were unimportant easily dismissed and that's from me with the intensely annoying ability to remember every grimace, they were gifts if you like expressions of trust and affection, not under any circumstances to be confused with cruelty, theft or fraud.
It wasn't until I got to Ireland that I experienced the real cruelty of people. The pain and shock of that is something I face everyday. I see it everywhere and I'm so tired of the everlasting pain of it. I never experienced blatant, aggressive dislike, never knew that people could be so easily cruel for fun.
I ask myself now where are they, all the people who owe me in kindness, time and money, where indeed. I never thought I would feel so isolated, and to be honest until I came here I never was even when I finally lived alone friends were always within easy reach and family wasn't far away.
All that is still true but it doesn't feel true. I tell myself I should go to the doctor get some happy pills but that would be to create an illusion and I don't like the idea of that, it wouldn't be real it would be camouflage and one way and another I've had enough camouflage to last what's left of my lifetime.
Oh, its nothing today has been a bad day its a treadmill and I can't get off. Funny thing I know what I could do, what I should have done long ago, maybe all this anxiety is a sign I'm getting close to dealing with it. Always been the way with me with anything personal. Push it away, push it away until I've pushed myself into a corner.
I've three times told people off and that's not like me, except it is its the cornered me I think when I do get away I will want to be away from family too. Its that close and that bad.
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